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Hmm… am at home propped up in ma couch, taking in some brain mushing tv. Should be studying but yet here I am. My knack for pulling off the magnificent at the last minute seems to be coming in handy these days. Last minute cramming for tests and last minute compilations of projects seems to now be my forte.

Got a promotion recently. Loving it. I will be making the same amount of money in half the time. More time for school work so hopefully by summer when the half time working hours kick in I’ll have much more time for school and extra curricular activities :).

My writing has ofcourse taken a backseat but hey am not slacking off for a whole year again. So am here yet again with my signature rambling.

Am about one year deep in my relationship. I love him. Not sure what that means, but I know how I feel. I love him.

 Its true though that relationships, good relationships, take time and alot of work. Nothing is perfect and although we have some truly awesome times between us… hmm.. really good times :), there are times when he just gets on my nerves. Self involved, bitchy and a narcissistic ego that never quits. Sure, I signed up for it all. He’s hot, a model. I expected it. So that at times has me thinking extreme thoughts: Kick this bitch to the curb, you can do better.

But… he makes up in so many other ways. For the rare times the bitch in me actually came out I see it in his eyes. His love is real. Scary real. It makes anything else that may take away from what makes us good for each other, pale in comparison.

Is it wrong to want to see that look so much that nothing else matters?

The chemistry we seem to have is so strong that even in a culture like this, where our love is taboo,  I can see when he for a moment forgets where we are. We’re walking in a public place and he unconciously gets too close to me. Face just a lil too close to mine. Body brushing just a little too close than normal. Ofcourse it happens to me as well. In a culture such as this it is certainly taboo for a guy to be feeding another guy soda through a straw at Burger King. I did it anyway because I love him. I did it because I crave that look, that touch.

I am trying my best to be careful though. I’m not stupid. But I’ll be damned if this country takes away my chance at happiness. The chance of holding the one I love till he falls asleep, as he recovers from our extra currcular activities 🙂

I have not written in so long its not funny. I stopped my finger and keyboard tap dance for awhile. I got distracted by the many things that life has to offer and the fact that I have become much more comfortable with my sexual orientation.
I have in many ways come out of my shell. Last year I began socialising with persons like myelf. Started going to parties, making new friends and even one or two enemies. Anyway, fact of the matter is I started to live again. As a matter of fact I started to live period. I have become much more confident. I am beginning to become fully cognizant of the beautiful Jamaican black gay man that I am and the fact that I have so much to offer.
I now have a job that I have kept for over a year now. Yaaay me! Yes my independence is well on its way. Not quite out of my mother’s house yet but am working on that. In the meantime I am not as restricted as I used to be. My mother now has let go just enough for me to have my own life. She now knows about my lifestyle and while she doesn’t agree with it she now atleast knows the truth. She can now stop bugging me about who my current girlfriend is.
In the past year I have gone through one on and off relationship, that I still have hesitations even )classifying as a relationship, and now see it as a learning experience as all things we go through in life usually are. My current relationship came out of nowhere earlier this year when I was about to bury my head in the sand and call it a year. Fun, energetic, ambitious, cute and hot to death, sexy…. oh damn I need to stop. Getting a hard on and that path leads to this blog being unfinished. Ahem… yeah 🙂 so I have a new man in my life and so far so good 🙂
So love, work, growing as a person…. what have I forgotten. Oh yes! I can now officially call myself a University Student. Studying part time to become a future hacker and gay porn site web administrator. LOL! I kid! I am doing my degree in computing and loving every minute of it. Yes the stress and the glory, the good marks and the… well I don’t get those 🙂
Life is good. Can’t complain. I am now trying to squeeze one more thing unto my plate and that is my writing. For now its my little secret between you and I. This is the medium I provided for myself last year to kind of keep intouch with this side of myself and I have now decided to get back on the little black horse. Allowed him to kick me off last year but am back bitches! So I am gonna be riding on and off. Rambling here and there.
By the way this blog is purely theraputic for me mself and moi so yeah I hereby apologise from now for bad grammar, spelling, fragmentation and any other bad writing errors you can name. Am just pouring ma thoughts out…. hmm.. I guess you can call it my online diary so to speak…
Anywho… am out. Well out to the Jamaican gay community and to my Mom… but yeah 🙂 … bye 😉

                               Sensual Awakening

Wet dreams are very rare for me, to be experiencing one recently is absolutely… thrilling. Right now my groin area feels on fire and even thinking about anything remotely sensual is enough to send me over the edge.

Okay I must admit, there has been a little twerky jerky… no climax. I strained to control myself as my hands had a mind of their own. It seems their life’s mission to make me tingle, moan, sigh lustily, tremble, rise, thrust, and experience the pinnacle of enlightenment, where many say mere mortals and God (whichever name you prefer) are joined together for a lifetime.

Anyway enough of that glorified crap. The point is I am damn HORNY!!!!! I knew this was gonna be rough, and pictures like the one below don’t help.

                        Alan Ritchson

Okay, so I admit I have been looking at some pics (ahem… ‘n some vids) that make it hard for this undertaking. But come on, I’m a guy… you know… ok… I know, I have a problem. Atleast I think so.

I think may be addicted to porn. Gay porn, lets get that straight… not that you could, lol. But seriously does every gay man have this problem? Especially in a country like mine? Is it even a problem? Or is it our way of seeing things we long to be free to do (don’t think I would be allowed to put those pics up)?

Anyway, I think my energy has been channelled into yoga and exercise mostly. My abs becoming more defined, but I don’t know if it has anything to do with this.

           meditating Yoga

I can hardly type right now. I am thinking about the way I have been feeling during these few weeks and its torture to think about not doing what it is that I want to do. I can hardly think straight. Lol! Ok I fell into that one.

Anyway I gotta go channel this energy into something else before I burst. Most likely I’ll ber back infront of the computer looking at porn or end up fantasizing…. ahem, yeah all that. But so help me God whatever happens I am not going past the point of no return.

Wank ya Later.

W, X, Why? ZEDD

                         2 second rule

Trying to resistEverything going good so far. Caught myself going for the crotch a few times, but everything is cool. The cute hot guys seem to catch my eye too much now it seems, but with years of practice and the 2 second rule (never stare for more than 2 seconds) its all good.

Don’t know if there is any increase in energy or any change cause I have gone a whole week before strangling the chicken. Hopefully I won’t be having any public erections… who am I kidding I probably will, cause on a normal basis the bus vibrates vibrates me a little too well and I get an erection. Yeah, yeah I know, I’m turned on too easily. Things like that make me wonder if I couldn’t pull off the physical part of a heterosexual relationship… after all people already think I’m in one.

(***By the way if you like the pics, visit: for more beautiful creatures***)

Oh well, apart from the whole abstinence thing my health and fitness seems to be in Offergood shape these days. Don’t know if I wrote it here but I had lost about 50 lbs after being on meds for a while (see first few posts for clarification). Finally getting back to the body I had before and noticably turning a few heads on the street, especially since I started working and working out again since people have been saying that I’m killing the whole shirt and tie look. Anyway enough vanity.

Ha! Looks like I’ve replace stroking my magic wand with stroking my ego.

Anyway, life seems good if I just focus on the positive… even in this country. The last Harry Potter book comes out on Saturday, 21st July 2007! Seems a long way off but its something to look forward to…


W, X, why? Z3DD


Being that I’m a virgin gay guy living in a homophobic country, the no sex thing is a breeze. Not being able to relieve myself of the daily torment I have to suffer when ever I’m spend the day around hot guys… well that’s another story.

If you haven’t guessed yet, starting today I’m cutting out the carnal pleasure from my life for the period of lent (I ofcourse had my last fling infront of the computer last night). Even talking about it now gets me randy, as the British say.

I’m a very sexual person and the one guy that I’ve dated so far knows this to the extreme and I haven’t even had sex with him.

I don’t know how I’ll stick this out but the porn is gonna have to be on the back burner for a while. No more downloading or viewing. Hopefully I get something out of this, or learn something… hopefully.

That leaves me with a little more time and I’m sure a whole lot of energy, which I guess is good. I can use the time and energy to start writing again.

By the way, I’m now learning that I’m not so alone in this dreary land. There are people out there like me, even people I know, even people you might know… but I’ll save that for another time. At the new place that I work I realise that there are certain persons who are very open minded (maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see) and even one of the execs seem to be hinting that he is apart of the family, although he doesn’t look it. I’ve overheard few conversations between him and others. Don’t know if he is that stupid that he thinks I’m not listening, or whether he’s very comfortable with himself and his co-workers (which would lift my spirit to know that they actually co-exist and interact with him even after knowing that) or my over-active imagination is at it again.

Anyway… next time I will have more energy for this. I’m still still recovering from last night ;), so later.

search 4 open your mind on

Found this in a blog today, completely touched me… found myself connecting to the words and the people that were saying them. It basically reflects the thoughts and the lives of people like me and other people who are being oppressed for different reasons… 


We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t
believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who carefully hides my loving relationship from my social worker because I’m afraid the state would take away my foster kids (even though I’m the only mom they’ve ever had) if they knew I was a lesbian.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends im a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to
die because two straight men wanted to “teach me a lesson”.

—IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG… Please Copy This Bulletin and Re-Paste!
Together, We Can Change The World, One Mind At A Time!

The same person who had this caught my attention first with this article that she took from a newspaper… details are irrelevant, just follow the link. I just wanted to scream a guttural angry yes when I saw this article. I wish that most ppl would get their head out of the ground and actually think for themself, instead of making excuses to brush something under the carpet that makes them squeamish and use the excuses and garbage that other people think up not to confront it. Try to f@&king understand it!

Smiley has raised a flag in my mind with the prediction that follows: Read the rest of this entry »

Not so free yet

The net is so fun, especially when your computer and your… ahem… can keep up. Finding a lot of funny stuff on youtube, can’t believe I’ve never checked it out before. The video They are NOT Gay is so funny, among… ahem… other things.

Feel so trapped. I wanna go out. I don’t like lieing and I know that’s what I’m going to have to do if I go out with someone or to someplace that my mother doesn’t approve of. I mean its hard enough to find persons within this special family, not to mention finding places where we can be free. BTW if you didn’t know, I live in Jamaica. My country is currently in the top five in the contest for the most Bigot and Homophobic country in the world… but oh well life goes on.

Coming out of the place where you hang your clothes, is not really an option in this Country as you may have realised, so most persons I’m assuming think that I’m on the straight and narrow. I need to be independent. I can’t wait for the day when I can live by myself or even leave the Country (although that has its downside, cause Jamaica minus the homophobia, the poverty and the voilence is paradise).

Ne-yoI’ve been reading all over the internet especially on message boards, that the incredibly talented songwriter/ singer, Ne-yo, is gay. It was also stated that he would be announcing this in October’s issue of Essence magazine.

I don’t know if this is another ploy to further his album sales and publicity. If it is, its working. I love his songs and his videos and for the first time I actually googled him, just to show you that this rumour is working overtime, cause I rarely google artists unless they capture my attention.

Yes you read right, rumour. Atleast thats what they’re telling us it is on Apparently the writer who is reported to have covered the interview doesn’t work for Essence.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. They really played upon the desire of most black gay men out there to see a talented Artist such as Ne-yo representing the other side of the coin. Not true? Well I can only speak for myself then. I would love to see an black out-of-the-closet artist of my sexual persuasion as successful as the straight ones out there today.

The first time I saw that rumour my heart skipped a beat and I thought, the world is finally changing. I thought, at last someone I can identify myself with. But as it turns out, this was only wishful thinking. 

Brotherly LoveI was at my Father’s house the past weekend, Friday to this morning. My half-brother, who lives in England, was there visiting and I finally got up the nerve to share with him something I instinctively knew he would understand: the fact that I am gay.

He is of that persuasion as well, as he confirmed my suspicion to me when I talked to him, so it was pretty easy for him to accept and understand. It was the first time that we ever really connected as since the first time I met him, at the age of 13 I think, we never really found time to talk during my brief visits and then ofcourse he took off to England to pursue his career and to lead a much better existence (we live in Jamaica, figure it out).

Our talk was yesterday and we’ve talked since about my sickness, his current relationship, his gay friend that I had the mysterious coincidence of meeting over the net, and his passion, music. He’s glad, as am I, that he now has someone to talk to about this in the family as he hasn’t told his Mother and our Father yet.

He’s older than me and therfore has more experience and the wisdom that comes along with it. He’s an extremely busy person but I will look forward to the times when we can reason with each other, especially since we now fully realize that we have something in common.

March 2019
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Books I’m currently reading:

"The Richest Man in Babylon"
by George S. Clason (recently finished)

by Christopher Paolini

"The Historian"
by Elizabeth Kostova